Hunger

饑餓

Believe it or not, I’ve been starving for four days on end.

At first, I ate nothing but four baked cakes or two small buns per day, then I cut them down by half and then by another half, until I didn’t even own a copper for buying boiled water. When I was thirsty, I would stand under a tap and let its running water pour down my throat through my wide-open mouth. I felt bloated. There was a pain and chill in my stomach. I cannot tell you enough how miserable I was.

How did it come that I had been reduced to such poverty? It was because the school where I studied had got into trouble. Many students had been arrested and taken to the police station. Some students had moved house and some had gone home. The school canteen was closed because it refused to serve meals on credit. While trying to rescue the arrested fellow students, I meanwhile had to find enough money to pay my living expenses. So I was terribly busy.

Pressed by hunger, I would visit Chunchao Bookstore every day to seek a loan of money. When Kang Nong or Fu Hua was there, I would have no problem in borrowing a couple of silver dollars through them. But I seldom found them in the store and the clerks of course had no say in this matter. Therefore, in nine times out of ten nothing would come of my visit there.

1 was beside myself with joy the day when I found my book The Diary of a Woman Soldier published at long last. Pasted up at the door of the bookstore was an eye-catching colourful poster advertising the book. I went into the store full of curiosity, and, as an ordinary customer would do, took from the shelf a copy of the book, which had on its bright-red front cover a cartoon by Feng Zikai’s daughter portraying a little woman soldier riding on a cow. I didn’t buy it for I knew I was entitled as its author to at least ten complimentary copies.

說出來，有誰相信呢？我已經四天沒吃飯了。

起初是一天吃四個燒餅，或者兩個小面包；后來由四個減成兩個，再由兩個減成一個，最后簡直窮得連買開水的一個銅板也沒有了。口渴時就張開嘴來，站在自來水管的龍頭下，一扭開來，就讓水灌進嘴里，喝得肚子脹得飽飽的，又冷又痛，那滋味真有說不出的難受。

為什么會窮到這個地步呢？那時學校里發生了問題，許多同學被抓進捕房去了，許多同學搬了家，也有些回去了的，廚房不肯賒賬，他再不愿意開飯給我們吃了。我那時一面還進行援救被捕同學的工作，一面又要籌備自己的生活費，真是忙得頭昏眼花。

實在餓得不能忍受了，才每天跑去春潮書店借錢。如果遇到康農和撫華兩人在，還可借給我三元五元，但他們在店里的日子是很少的，伙計們自然不敢做主，因此去十次總有九次落空的。

那是我最快樂的一天，《從軍日記》出版了！春潮書店的大門口貼著一張用各種不同顏色寫的又鮮明又動人的廣告，我懷著一顆好奇心走了進去，也像顧客一般，從書架上抽出來一本封面鮮紅、是豐子皚先生的女公于畫的小兵騎牛的《從軍日記》來看。但我沒有買它，因為我知道，至少可以無條件地得到十本的。

"I need money badly. May I have a few dollars now out of the royalties on my book?"

Seeing no customers around, I whispered to the cashier with embarrassment.

"No, not now. Royalty payments are made only twice a year. How could I pay you ahead of time?"

"I just can’t wait. Today you’ve got to give me an advance of a few dollars. I wouldn’t be here bothering you if I could help it. Believe me, I can’t even afford the streetcar fare going back home. I came here on foot."

The uncontrollable desire for food burning within me, I ignored all propriety and poured out my complaints without feeling ashamed. The cashier seemed apathetic, smiling a sardonic smile. A young clerk, however, was kind enough to tell me.

[11] "You just need to wait a little while. I’m sure your book will sell quick. Soon you can take all the money that comes from today’s sale of it."