Loving with an Open Hand

放愛一條生路

The other day as I talked with a friend I recalled a story that I heard this summer. "A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight. Its shortened life was spent on the ground; it never knew freedom, never really lived."

前幾天和一位朋友閑聊時，我想起今年夏天聽到的一個故事：“有個人很富有同情心，看到一只蝴蝶拼命掙扎想沖破繭的束縛，就幫了個忙，輕輕地解開繭絲使其露出一個缺口。蝴蝶得到解放，從繭中出來振翅欲飛，然而卻飛不起來。這位富有同情心的人所不知道的是，只有經過掙扎破繭而出，翅膀才能變得強壯，可以飛翔。這只蝴蝶短暫的生命只能在地上度過了，它從未嘗過自由的滋味，沒有真正享受過生活。”

I call it learning to love with an open hand. It is a learning which has come slowly to me and has been wrought in the fires of pain and in the waters of patience. I am learning that I must free the one I love, for if I clutch or cling, try to control, I lose what I try to hold.

我把它叫做學會放愛一條生路。這個教訓經歷了痛苦的鍛造和耐心的洗禮，我才逐漸認識到。我學會了必須給所愛的人自由，如果我抓得太緊、緊握不放、設法控制，結果可能會失去他們。

If I try to change someone I love because I feel I know how that person should be, I rob him or her of a precious right, the right to take responsibility for one’s own life and choices and way of being. Whenever I impose my wish or want or try to exert power over another, I rob him or her of the full realization of growth and maturation. I limit and prevent by my act of possession, no matter how kind my intention.

如果我試圖改變所愛的人，僅僅因為我覺得他/她應該這樣，就等于是掠奪了他/她的一項珍貴的權利，即他/她對自己生命的責任權和生活方式的選擇權。無論何時我把自己的意志和權力強加給別人，都會導致他/她無法完全成長和成熟。無論我的意圖多么善良，我的控制行為還是限制和阻礙了他們。

I can limit and injure by the kindest acts of protection or concern. Over extended it can say to the other person more eloquently than words, "You are unable to care for yourself; I must take care of you because you are mine. I am responsible for you."

即使保護或關心這種最善意的行為也會限制和傷害別人。“你無法照顧自己，我必須照顧你，因為你是我的，我要對你負責。”對別人說這么動人的語言遠遠超越了你的權力。

As I learn and practice more and more, I can say to the one I love: "I love you, I value you, I respect you and I trust that you have the strength to become all that it is possible for you to become — if I don’t get in your way. I love you so much that I can set you free to walk beside me in joy and in sadness. I will share your tears but I will not ask you not to cry. I will respond to your needs. I will care and comfort you, but I will not hold you up when you can walk alone. I will stand ready to be with you in your grief and loneliness but I will not take it away from you. I will strive to listen to your meaning as well as your word, but I shall not always agree. Sometimes I will be angry and when I am, I will try to tell you openly so that I need not hate our differences or feel estranged. I can not always be with you or hear what you say for there are times when I must listen to myself and care for myself, and when that happens I will be as honest with you as I can be."

隨著我學習和鍛煉的增多，現在我會這樣告訴我愛的人：“我愛你、珍惜你、尊重你，我相信你有足夠的實力發展成為你想要成為的人——如果我不阻礙你的話。我是那么愛你，所以我給你自由，和我共享歡樂與悲傷。我會和你一起流淚，但我不會要求你停止哭泣。我會滿足你的需要，關心你、安慰你，但在你能夠獨立行走時我不會阻擋你。我會時刻準備好，在你悲傷和孤獨時站到你身邊，但我不會把你的悲傷和孤獨帶走。我會盡力理解你的話語及其中涵義，但不會總是贊同。有時我會生氣，當我生氣時，我會盡量坦率地告訴你，這樣我就不會對我們之間的分歧懷恨于心，產生疏遠的感覺。我無法時刻與你在一起，或者聽你訴說，因為有時我需要傾聽自己，關心自己，當這些發生時，我會盡量告訴你。”

I am learning to say this, whether it be in words or in my way of being with others and myself, to those I love and for whom I care. And this I call loving with an open hand.

對于那些我所愛和所關心的人，我正在學習這樣表達，無論是用語言，還是用我對待他人及自己的方式，我把這種方式叫做放愛一條生路。

I cannot always keep my hands off the cocoon, but I am getting better at it!

我不會總把雙手從繭的身旁移開，但我正在逐漸進步!