你所記得的一切

All you remember

All you remember about your child being an infant is the incredible awe you felt about the precious miracle you created. You remember having plenty of time to bestow all your wisdom and knowledge. You thought your child would take all of your advice and make fewer mistakes, and be much smarter than you were. You wished for your child to hurry and grow up.

All you remember about your child being two is never using the restroom alone or getting to watch a movie without talking animals. You recall afternoons talking on the phone while crouching in the bedroom closet, and being convinced your child would be the first Ivy League1 college student to graduate wearing pullovers2 at the ceremony. You remember worrying about the bag of M&M’s melting in your pocket and ruining your good dress. You wished for your child to be more independent.

All you remember about your child being five is the first day of school and finally having the house to yourself. You remember joining the PTA3 and being elected president when you left a meeting to use the restroom. You remember being asked “Is Santa real?” and saying “yes” because he had to be for a little bit longer. You remember shaking the sofa cushions for loose change4, so the toothfairy5 could come and take away your child’s first lost tooth. You wished for your child to have all permanent teeth.

All you remember about your child being seven is the carpool6 schedule. You learned to apply makeup in two minutes and brush your teeth in the rearview mirror1 because the only time you had to yourself was when you were stopped at red lights. You considered painting your car yellow and posting a “taxi” sign on the lawn next to the garage door. You remember people staring at you, the few times you were out of the car, because you kept flexing2 your foot and making acceleration3 noises. You wished for the day your child would learn how to drive.

All you remember about your child being ten is managing the school fundraisers. You sold wrapping paper for paint, Tshirts for new furniture, and magazine subscriptions4 for shade trees in the school playground. You remember storing a hundred cases of candy bars in the garage to sell so the school band could get new uniforms, and how they melted together on an unseasonably5 warm spring afternoon. You wished your child would grow out of playing an instrument.

All you remember about your child being twelve is sitting in the stands6 during baseball practice and hoping your child’s team would strike out7 fast because you had more important things to do at home. The coach didn’t understand how busy you were. You wished the baseball season would be over soon.

All you remember about your child being fourteen is being asked not to stop the car in front of the school in the morning. You had to drive two blocks further and unlock the doors without coming to a complete stop. You remember not getting to kiss your child goodbye or talking to him in front of his friends. You wished your child would be more mature.

All you remember about your child being sixteen is loud music and undecipherable8 lyrics9 screamed to a rhythmic beat. You wished for your child to grow up and leave home with the stereo.

All you remember about your child being eighteen is the day they were born and having all the time in the world.

And, as you walk through your quiet house, you wonder where they went  and you wish your child hadn’t grown up so fast.

當你的孩子是個嬰兒時，你所記得的，是你對自己創造出的堪稱完美奇跡的作品，感到不可思議的敬畏。你記得你有大量的時間去傳授你所有的智慧和知識。你認為你的孩子將會接受你所有的忠告而少犯錯誤，將會比孩提時代的你聰明許多。你多希望你的孩子快快長大。

孩子兩歲時，你所記得的，是從不能獨自使用衛生間，從不看一部與動物無關的電影。你記得那些蜷縮在臥室儲衣間跟朋友通電話的下午，深信你的孩子將是第一個身著套頭衫出席畢業典禮的常春藤名牌大學畢業生。你記得你擔心那袋M&M巧克力糖會在你的衣兜里融化，毀了你體面的衣服。你多希望你的孩子更獨立些。

孩子5歲時，你所記得的，是他上學第一天你終于獨自擁有整個房子了。你記得參加家長—教師聯系會，在你離開會議室去洗手間時，你當選為會長。你記得孩子問你“圣誕老人是真的嗎?”你回答“是的”，因為他還需要你的肯定回答，盡管不久他就能自己判斷了。你記得在沙發墊子下一通翻騰要找出些零錢，這樣牙齒仙女就會來把你孩子掉的第一顆牙帶走。你多希望孩子的牙都換成了恒牙。

孩子7歲時，你所記得的，是合伙用車的時間安排。你學會了在兩分鐘內化完妝，照著汽車后視鏡刷牙，因為你能給你自己找出的時間就只有汽車停在紅燈前的那小段。你想過把你的車子漆成黃色，并在車庫門旁的草坪上立一個“出租車”的標志牌。你記得有幾次你下車后，人們盯著你，因為你不斷用腳踩油門加速，制造噪音。你多希望孩子有一天能學會開車。

孩子10歲時，你所記得的，是怎么組織學校的募捐者。你們為重新粉刷學校兜售包裝紙，為購置新家具兜售體恤衫，為在學校操場上種植遮陽樹勸人訂閱各種雜志。你記得你在車庫里存放了上百盒糖果等待出售，得到錢后學校的樂隊就可以購置新制服，可是那些糖果竟在一個暖和得過頭的春天的下午全都融化在一起了。你多希望孩子長大，不再演奏什么樂器了。

孩子12歲時，你所記得的，是孩子在體育場打棒球練習賽時，你坐在看臺上希望你孩子所在的隊很快三擊不中出局，因為家里還有更重要的事等你去做。教練不明白你為什么那么忙。你多希望棒球賽季能盡快結束。

孩子14歲時，你所記得的，是他不讓你早晨把汽車停在校門口。你不得不開過兩個街區，車還沒停穩就趕緊打開車門。你記得沒能在他的朋友面前跟他吻別或說話。你多希望孩子能更成熟些。

孩子16歲時，你所記得的，是吵鬧的音樂和以富有節奏的拍子尖聲唱出的難以聽懂的歌詞。你多希望孩子快點長大成人，帶著音響離開家吧。

孩子18歲時，你所記得的，是他們出生的那一天，擁有世間所有的時光。

當你在靜靜的房子里走來走去時，你納悶他們去哪里了——你多希望孩子別這么快就長大了。