The Life I Desired

That must be the story of innumerable couples, and the pattern of lifeof life it offers has a homely grace. It reminds you of a placid rivulet, meandering smoohtly through green pastures and shaded by pleasant trees, till at last it falls into the vasty sea; but the sea is so calm, so silent, so infifferent, that you are troubled suddently by a vague uneasiness. Perhaps it is only by a kink in my nature, strong in me even in those days, that i felt in such an existence, the share of the great majority, something amiss. I recognized its social value. I saw its ordered happiness, but a fever in my blood asked for a wilder course. There seemed to me something alarming in such easy delights. In my heart was desire to live more dangerously. I was not unprepared for jagged rocks and treacherous, shoals it I could only have change-change and the exicitement of unforeseen.

這一定是世間無數對夫妻的生活寫照，這種生活模式給人一種天倫之美。它使人想起一條平靜的溪流，蜿蜒暢游過綠茵的草場，濃蔭遮蔽，最后注入煙波浩渺的汪洋大海；但是大海太過平靜，太過沉默，太過不動聲色，你會突然感到莫名的不安。也許這只是我自己的一種怪誕想法，在那樣的時代，這想法對我影響很深：我覺得這像大多數人一樣的生活，似乎欠缺了一點兒什么。我承認這種生活有社會價值，我也看到了它那井然有序的幸福，但我血液里的沖動卻渴望一種更桀驁不馴的旅程．這樣的安逸中好像有一種叫我驚懼不安的東西．我的心渴望一種更加驚險的生活。只要生活中還能有變遷——以及不可知的刺激，我愿意踏上怪石嶙峋的山崖，奔赴暗礁滿布的海灘。