我思因我在

Anna

It is impossible to know all the thoughts and experiences that merge together to make a person. Countless images flash through my mind when I think how I have come to find myself. These images are like the 1)shards of a broken mirror, each piece reflecting a part, each piece connecting with the others to make a whole. As I gaze into the angular pieces of glass searching for their meanings, several similar scenes, each played out by different people, catch my eye. Placing them side-by-side, I find that these images are the same, and they reveal an essential part of my being.

The scenes begin with someone asking a young girl whether she is Chinese, Japanese or Korean.

“My parents are from Hong Kong, but I was born here in the United States,” is her reply.

It seems automatic for people to follow with, “Do you speak Chinese?”

“I speak very little Cantonese,” she replies. At this point, one of two things happens: the person with whom she is speaking becomes either 2)indignant or fascinated.

If the person she is speaking to is Chinese, he or she would often react with disappointment and hurt pride. She would be presumed to have joined the ranks of young Asians who “seek to 3)annihilate Chinese culture and its values.” This person would turn away from her and start speaking to her parents. They would say that she is not worthy of possessing her shiny black hair and dark 4)almond eyes. Hurtful whispers would crystallize into a rod of pain that to be thrust into her chest and the tears that appear would be difficult to hide. She knows at her core that she is not worthless, disrespectful or selfish, even if she is not the 5)idyllic Asian daughter, but the 6)agony would renew itself every time she hears the whispers.

In a conversation with someone not Asian, he may ask if she could teach him to say something in Cantonese. She’d 7)oblige, but could not help ??thinking that he is probably assuming things about her, “She’s smart; she must play the violin or piano; she’s good at math; she’s always respectful of her parents; she’s submissive; she doesn’t get into trouble; she’s only interested in school...”

It is human nature to create pictures of someone’s life from initial appearances, but it should be just that: a first impression. There are people who think they know her future before having talked to her, and presume that she wants to become a doctor or a lawyer. The notion that she aspires to be an independent filmmaker is alien to their minds. She is trapped in a cage of others’ expectations. They lose interest in her because they think they already know the details of her life.

Although I nearly drowned in the reflections of pain and frustration, they ultimately saved me. My soul, longing to stay alive, 8)incited my mind to develop a strong sense of self. If I were not secure in my identity, it would be lost to what others imagined it to be. I was resolute. I was not going to let anyone who thought I should be more conventional make me feel guilty for my lack of conformity. Some will always see me as a “9)twinkie,” yellow on the outside and white on the inside, or the “Asian girl,” submissive and 10)detached.