You know that mildly panicked feeling you get when you found out your friend’s mother just died and you really don’t know what to say?

你有沒有過這樣驚慌的經歷：你好友的母親不幸去世，她正沉浸在撕心裂肺的痛苦之中，你卻不知道如何去安慰她?

Breathe. It will be okay.

深呼吸，你能行的。

1. Not so good – “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

不要說：“上帝不會讓你承受更多苦難。”

Even if the person has a faith system that includes God, this phrase has the tacit implication that if you can’t handle things, you must not have enough faith, you’re a bad Christian, etc.

如果這個人對上帝有著很堅定的信仰，這句話就有了隱藏的含義：也就是說如果你處理不好這件事，你肯定是沒有堅定的信仰，不是虔誠的基督徒等等。

Better – “This must be so hard for you.”

不如說：“我知道你肯定非常難受。”

2. Not so good – “I’m sure it’s all for the best.”

不要說：“我想這一切可能是最好的結果。”

Ack! Try really hard not to say this! Right now, the grieving person doesn’t see that anything is for the best except to have her loved one back.

我的天，千萬別說這句話!這個沉浸在悲痛中的人并不覺得一切是好結果，除非她的至親能夠復活。

Better – “It’s hard to understand why these things happen.”

不如說：“真不知道為什么會發生這樣的事情。”

3. Not so good – Saying nothing at all.

不要：什么都不說。

This is actually one of the worst things that can happen to a grieving person: having people ignore his pain. If you’re not sure what to say, or are uncertain that the person wants to talk about it, it’s okay to say just that.

周圍的人忽視他的傷痛，這對傷痛的人來說可能是最壞的事情之一了。如果你不知道去說些什么，或者不確定他是否愿意聊這件事，那就直接說出來吧。

Better – “I’m not sure what to say but I want you to know I’m here for you.”

不如說：“我不知道該說些什么，你只要知道我一直都在你身邊。”

4. Not so good – “He’s in a better place” or “Just be happy he isn’t in pain anymore.”

不要說：“他去了更好的地方” 或 “開心點，他不再痛苦了。”

These things are always so well-intentioned, but ouch! The place the griever wants him to be is with her, no matter how much pain he was in or how difficult the caregiving was.

這些話的初衷的確是好的，但是悲痛者還是希望至親就在自己身邊，無論至親有著什么樣的痛苦或者無論照顧起來是多么的麻煩。

Better – “You must miss him terribly.”

不如說：“你肯定十分想念他。”

5. Not so good – “I know exactly how you feel.”

不要說：“我完全知道你的感受。”

This is very tempting to say, but be careful: Even if you have experienced a loss, each person has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how he feels.

我們總會說這句話，但是記住，即使你也失去過親人，但每個人的生命旅途不一樣，所以你并不可能完全知道別人的感受。

Better – “I can’t begin to understand how you feel”

不如說：“我沒法真正體會你現在的感受。”