Why I’m Here

讓愛停留

My mom has a magnetic force around her. Rootless things fly through the air toward her and land at her feet. Five husbands did, one right after the other. She was 15 years old when Number One appeared. There’s only one photo of her from back then. She’s got one foot up on the running board of an old pickup truck. She’s got a hand up like she’s trying to shield her eyes. She looks like she’s seeing something off in the distance, something that’s better than anything within reach.

我的媽媽渾身上下都散發著磁力。空中的飛行物都會朝她飛來，落在她的腳邊。就連她的五個丈夫也不例外，一個接一個地出現。遇見第一任丈夫時，她才15歲。她只有一張那時候的照片。照片中的她一只腳踩在一輛老舊小卡車的腳踏板上，舉起一只手，試著護住眼睛，看起來就像她正在眺望著遠處的什么，一些比眼前的任何事物都要美好的東西。

The day she met Arnie, Number One, was one of those days when you swear you can reach out and grab a handful of air, all hot and thick and going nowhere. Arnie’s car broke down on the road that ran alongside the trailer park, just as Ma and her mom were coming back from the store, each carrying a bag of groceries. Arnie stood frowning into his engine, looked up as the women passed and asked the distance to the nearest gas station or garage. According to Ma, he got as far as “Hey ladies, can you tell me how far it is?” and Ma, full of too much humidity and boredom, shot back, “Too far for those fancy shoes to carry you.”

媽媽遇見第一任丈夫阿尼那天，就如那些悶熱日子中的一天——你能發誓只要一伸手就能抓住一把空氣，熱辣辣的，厚重得根本不會從指間溜走。阿尼的車拋錨了，停在活動房屋停車場旁邊的馬路上，那時媽媽和她的媽媽剛好從商店回來，手里各提著一袋雜貨。阿尼站在那兒，看著車子的引擎皺眉頭，抬頭之時看見母女倆經過，便詢問到最近的加油站或者修車站的距離。據媽媽說，他當時就只說了一句：“女士們，你們好，請問你們能告訴我那個地方離這里多遠嗎?”而媽媽——早已汗熱濕透也被悶壞了——丟回一句：“遠到你那對漂亮鞋子走壞了都走不完。”

Ma watched him pull his head back and start laughing. The car got fixed, and the next thing my grandma knew was that her daughter seemed to be always getting into that car or getting out of it. Finally, my grandma signed the papers and Ma and Arnie were married. In four months, Arnie was in the Merchant Marines, halfway around the world. Ma carried all his letters in her bathrobe. She cried that she couldn’t hold onto the calls like she could the letters. After about a year, her bathrobe pockets went back to just lint and tissues, and in no time at all, the divorce was finalized.

媽媽看著他把頭縮了回去，笑了起來。車子修好了，而外婆知道的下一件事情便是她的女兒總是從那輛車子里進進出出。最后，外婆在文件上簽了字，媽媽和阿尼便成了合法夫妻。四個月后，阿尼進入了商船隊，踏上了環游世界的旅途。媽媽把他所有的來信都裝在浴袍里。她哭著說自己沒有辦法留住他的來電，就像保存他的信件一樣。大約一年之后，她浴袍上的口袋只剩下絨毛和紙屑而已，沒過多久，離婚成了最終定局。

Number Two was Claude, who became the father of Ma’s first child. The others followed so fast it was like they were all lined up inside her, waiting. I belong to Number Three, although by the time I was born, Number Three was long gone. Numbers Four and Five added a few more towns and houses of their own. After a while, I lost count of all the places we lived.

媽媽的第二任丈夫叫克勞德，是她第一個孩子的父親。媽媽的其他孩子出現得如此之快，就像他們早就在她的肚子里排隊等候著。我是媽媽第三任丈夫的孩子，雖然在我出生的時候，第三任早就不見了蹤影。第四、五任丈夫分別帶著我們住過幾個城鎮以及他們的幾所房子。不多久，我也數不清我們都在哪些地方生活過了。

Ma left Number Five when my grandma died, came back to Cockeysville, sold the trailer and bought a pickup truck. By then, I was the last one at home. We started out for Michigan, got as far as South Bend, Indiana and stayed long enough for me to get a job at the phone company. Ma met Mel, and for the first time ever, she said she’d live with a man but not get married.

外婆去世之后，媽媽離開了第五任丈夫，回到了巴爾的摩的科基斯維爾，賣掉了活動房屋，再買了一輛小卡車。那個時候，我是兄弟姐妹中唯一一個仍然留在家里的。我們動身前往密歇根，來到了印第安納州的南本德市，一直待到我找到一份在一家電話公司上班的工作。媽媽與梅爾相遇了，她第一次這么說：她會和這個男人一起生活，但不會再結婚了。

It’s a lot of years later and I’ve never left South Bend. Don’t ask me if I like living here; it’s not a question I’ve ever asked myself. It’s just where I am. I’ve been married for 15 years to the same man, and we’ve always lived in the same house. I don’t want to ever think about moving. I told my husband I chose him because he was born in South Bend. And because he’s a locksmith. His job is to make locks for houses where people want to stay put. Or he helps people who have been locked out of their house so they can get back in. I have about 20 extra keys to my house. I always want to be able to get back in.

時間已經過去多年，我從未離開過南本德。別問我是否喜歡在這里生活;我從來沒有問過自己這個問題。這里就是我所屬的地方。我和同一個男人結婚15年了，一直住在同一所房子里，沒想過要搬家。我告訴丈夫，我選擇他是因為他出生在南本德，而且他是一個鎖匠。他的工作就是制作鎖頭，讓人們可以待在自己不想離開的房子里;或者幫助那些被鎖在門外的人開鎖，好讓他們回到屋里去。我有大約20把我家的備用鑰匙。因為我希望自己總能回到家中。